He has so thoughtfully and creatively met me in a familiar place. A place with no need for defenses. A welcoming place, somewhere I don't want to leave... because it is uniquely made for me.
It is made up of everything that is good and familiar. It consists of all the things that define me. It is a secret place that he has called me to be in with Him.
Here is where I understand Him. I hear him clearly. All the ways I have been taught by others has been laid aside. He speaks to me in a way that I understand. He's got a great sense of humor, one that I can identify with. We have conversation just as I would choose to have conversation. It is comfortable. It doesn't consist of any certain way that has been outlined by man. There aren't any fabricated words that I can't comprehend. It is simply, uniquely and colorfully created to fit my identity in Him.
He has given me a clean slate. He has erased all things that were confusing. I have been invited to newly discover who I am in Him.
"Thank you God. You are a God who knows me and wouldn't choose to ask of me in a place that is unfamiliar. Instead, you have come to me in my familiar place and have asked me to be myself. Away with the Christian language, away with storage of biblical knowledge, away with fabrication and expectations that don't fit me. You have given me new life and I rejoice in who you have called me to be."
God wouldn't allow it to go on any longer. He leaned
in, pressed hard, and asked the question... "Who are you? Do you even
know?"
"Do you even know?" He quietly emphasized.
Then I asked. "Who am I?" as if it were an everyday question.
"Wait... WHO AM I???" I asked in desperation, almost with a sense of clarity.
I came to the realization that I had NO CLUE who I was. I was lying in bed and just began to cry. With Johnny there to listen, I started to hazardously bout off questions that, one after the other, questioned everything I ever (thought I) believed..
Who is God? Is my life really just to share my belief in Him? What do I believe? How do I share my beliefs if I don't know what I believe? Who am I? What do I enjoy in life? Is my life one big lie? Who am I living for? Do I like who I am? What is my purpose? If I'm going to always be stuck in this battle between me, God and Satan, and its always so unclear, what is the point? Who is winning? What have I done with my life up until now? If I died today, or even soon, am I satisfied with who I am and what I've done? Why am I traveling around the world for a year? Why do I have to live with these other people? What am I doing here? Who am I?
The questions stirred a truth in me. One that was going to be really hard to face. But, I wasn't giving up now. I was ready to hit reality head on...
My life was no longer my life. I had given it away. I gave it away to the cute boys at camp, I gave it away to the mean girls in high school. It went to all the Christians who were watching. My life was handed over at my job, like it was a ticket for entry. It went to my parents, my teachers, my friends and my husband. I gave it to The World Race and those involved.
Ever since I can remember, I lived my life for other people. People's acceptance was the fuel of my life. If I didn't fit the part, I'd find a way. My life wasn't mine. After giving my life away to so many people, I had nothing to give to God.
I can't even comprehend the patience He had all that time. But, I believe He decided that enough was enough. In His plan, now was the time. That, that day, yesterday, was going to be 'the day." It was in the few, short moments that I paused for reflection that God chose to rush in and take over.
Our team came together yesterday morning for breakfast. This was the morning after my breakdown in bed. We sat down to share Oreo pancakes together, a symbol of Acts 2, a way to live in community... something we had been talking about for weeks. It was the first time we came together to eat, pray and laugh together.
After we finished breakfast, there was a small pause and I quickly took advantage. Without hesitation, I opened up to everyone. I explained the night before. I shared my doubts. I cried over my inability to understand and I desperately sought after clarity. Our team was ready, they were mentally and spiritually equipped for this day. We had been talking about praying over each other for weeks and here we was our chance...
I was half broken. Sitting in the middle of the room with my team surrounding me. Their hands, one after the other, placed over my shoulders, head, and back. We sat for a moment and the Holy Spirit rushed in. As the team prayed over me, words of encouragement and visions of truth came forward. He continued to chip away the pieces. God spoke through each one of them, stripping away layer after layer; revealing my identity in Christ. My brothers and sisters held all faith and authority and spoke over my lifetime of lies as if Jesus himself stood in the room saying each and every word.
Brian heard in that moment, that it was my turn. God needed to hear my cries. The attention was turned over and I was given the floor. My heart pounded and I threw all defenses aside. I directed my attention at God. I cried and I begged Him for understanding. I begged for identity and admitted that I could no longer carry myself. "God, I can't do this alone! You will have to carry me from here. I am at the end of my road and from here... it will have to be yours." I left everything there. I gave up expectations. I let go of who I was in everyone else.
I was broken.
A wreckless abandonment.
My life was no longer mine, it was no longer theirs... It is His.
Ever hear people talk about "the day they committed themselves to Christ"? Or you listen to someone's testimony and they mention the specific day that their life was changed? Does it ever make you feel like you are supposed to have a certain day that your life turned around the same?
If you can relate, then you may understand where I'm coming from...
I don't have a date. There was no day that I can think back to that my life changed. I can't even give an "around this time" date. For years, I struggled with my testimony. "What is my testimony?" I would continuously ask myself (in fear that I would have to share it). I would hear others tell their's and they'd tell the story like it was a picture - in great detail with a confidence behind it all. Some knew their age, where they were, who they were with. But, the ones that always caught my attention are those that knew the specific date. They remember it like it was yesterday.
Then, I would ask my self... what really happened on that date? Did they meet God that day and never look back? Were they given this sense of clarity and all things fell into place? Was it the first time God convicted them and they instantly obeyed? What did they hear that day that I simply can not hear for myself? Why do they make it sound so simple, like after that day...the battle was over, God won, Satan lost, they were God's forever and it was just downhill from there?
"Surely, it is not that easy...is it?"
I asked these questions because even though I grew up learning about God, I never (or at least I can't remember) had an experience in my life that left me wrecked for God. One that made me turn to Jesus and continue living for Him from that point on. I knew Him, but I would often choose to know Him when the time was convenient for me. When I had room to obey him. But, if it inconvenienced me in any way or went against what I really, really wanted to do, I disregarded him as best as I could. I knew plenty about Him, I was familiar with the stories, I learned fun songs, I even devoted months to teaching at a Christian sports camp; but nothing life changing. To be honest, all it did was make me more and more aware of who other Christians expected me to be, what others expected me to know and how exactly I should act so that I can fit in to make a surface act of the "Christian lifestyle".
I'm not just talking about my life as it was years ago, I'm talking about DAYS ago. As little as two days ago, I was just living to look the part. I knew how to walk the walk and talk the talk in the Christian world. I knew the Christian language and the Christian way to pray. I'm not saying I did all these things for show, but I am saying that I learned of a stereotypical life that a Christian was to follow and I attempted to follow it from front cover to back.
This life had no room for error. It was perfect in every way. It was a pretty girl who made no mistakes. It was Biblical knowledge and full of a language that I would never speak in regular conversation. It resembled control and understanding. It encompassed a life full of joy, a smile on my face (unless I was okay with several people asking me "What's wrong?") and a kept composure that eliminated any reason for people to question my deeper issues. It meant tip-toeing or else you get a response of hurt feelings and defensive behaviors. It was a life devoted to sharing the gospel. The life meant you were already ministered to enough so that you could minister to all the others. All-knowing. The lifestyle was the fabricated image of a "Christian".
As many of you already know, this is the first World Race that a married team has been established. Pretty sweet I must say, but even more... One of the few squads to have a family on it together. What is the family connection? Johnny is my husband; Johnny's sister is Tara Bruce, who's married to Josh Bruce.
One big happy family, right?!
To be honest, I was totally scared when the reality sunk in that I'd be living with my in-laws for a year. It's a scary thought sometimes...can you blame me? Here is how it all started...
Back in June of last year, Tara was researching mission opportunities overseas and she came across The World Race. Before you could even blink an eye, Tara and Josh were in their first interview with AIM in Gainesville, GA. With extreme enthusiasm, she calls to invite us into the new opportunity.
At this time, Johnny and I were drained from working 9-5, weary of the typical "work, eat, sleep" schedule, and tired of trying to live up to society's expectations of newlyweds, DINKs "Dual Income, No Kids", young professionals, etc. ... and we hadn't even been out of college for a year! We were ready for change and willing to dive into the first opportunity to get out. Without hesitation, Johnny and I signed up, interviewed and by July ‘07 we were in! Exciting, for sure. With a year to go before launch, we shared in the excitement with the Bruce's.
But, a hesitation sunk in the week of training camp, three months before launch. "Am I really going to live with my in-laws for the entire year?!" I thought to myself, "So much is at stake. After the year, we are still family. I can't just say good-bye and we go separate ways. What if things go wrong?"
During the months leading up to launch, my fears started to grow. Then, those fears grew into bitterness. Before I knew it, the idea of living with Josh and Tara started to become an annoyance. I wasn't ready to let my guard down. I wasn't ready for them to see the real me, to know everything about me, to be next to our marriage 24/7. My associations with my inability to accept community with family started to become resentment toward them as individuals. What the heck was happening??
It was a battle. An ugly... spiritual... battle.
The devil was all over me. At the time, I didn't even consider that he was lurking around. I was oblivious to him as a threat. Instead, I just accepted myself as a cynic and that it was my own fault I felt this way. Not only did I hand over the reigns, I aided him further and further into his own sneaky game. I gave him my fear as a foothold and once he manipulated that fear into a feeling of animosity, he started nailing it into my mind and created a stronghold. I was giving in! I was giving in to the idea that I was going to be miserable. I believed his lies. One after the other... "We will have nothing in common", "They won't understand me", "I won't be able to be myself", "I am going to be miserable".
It is dangerous to go through life without being aware that the devil can manipulate you...your thoughts, your actions, your motives. It is sad to think that one will pass the devil's manipulation as just their own human behavior. But, it is tragic if that is happening to you and I had the chance to warn you against it. And tell you that you have the chance to fight back.
So, for those of you who are giving in, or those of you who are skeptical and especially those who deny there is a battle for your life... here is your warning. I'm ringing the alarm! He is near and ready for the footholds you lend him. The devil is fighting for every chance that God has to win over you. But, you have authority in this battle. You have a say, you have the last word, you get to make the final plea... Through Jesus Christ, you have been given all power and authority to rebuke the lies of the devil by killing his deception with truth...God's Word! After that, God wins. He wins and protects you. The devil loses his authority over you and slithers away. But be aware that he awaits for the next foothold.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the
full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's
schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against
the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark
world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms"
(Eph. 6:10-12)
I encourage you to seek out the devil's lies and bind them with God's truth. Praise the Lord for the power of the truth and how it sets us free (John 8:32).
I thank God for saving me from the devil's deception. I have rebuked the lies Satan spoke over my family. I continue to fight and have chosen in as an active warrior in this battle.
"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil
comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done
everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled
around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and
with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of
peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which
you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the
helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of
God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers
and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying
for all the saints." (Eph. 6:13-18)
It was quarter till 6 and we decided to start walking to the church early. “Vamos a la iglesia” we explain and he unexpectedly gets up to follow us towards the church. I stayed back to wait for Johnny as he finished up his Spanish translation of the night’s lesson. Tara and Josh, along with several of the children begin walking with Miguel towards the church, a half a mile up the road.
Johnny and I arrive as a young girl, who lives close to the church, is opening the doors. We all walk in together. Miguel and I find each other walking side by side up the dirty cement aisle towards the front of the church. With individual blue chairs lined up in rows on either side of us, he walks by every row to the very first one. We sit down together.
Brian and Stacy begin to sing, bringing a soft welcome to the building’s silence.
At the start, there was an uncomfortable lack of space between myself and Miguel. He sat so close and stared directly into my eyes. It was that same look from before, like “Can you help me?” Within seconds I began to feel a calming sensation come over me, a complete peace about where I was and who I was with at that very moment. “Thank you,” I whisper to God, “I can’t do this without you.” He was directing every movement, every word, every feeling that encompassed me.
With broken Spanish, I ask him…
Crees que Dios te ama? Do you believe God loves you?
Crees que Jesus es el Hijo de Dios? Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God?
He would respond with a nod, but I fear it wasn’t because he understood; but only because he picked up that I was asking him a question.
Puedo orar para tu? Can I pray for you?
With a nod, we bow our heads.
My hands reach out to his arm. An overwhelming feeling of brokenness comes over me. I can feel his pain. It begins with his uncertainty, then loneliness and ends with hopelessness. I start to cry and can’t finish my sentence.
Right behind us are Josh and Tara, they lay hands on Miguel and continue to pray. Not long after, he stands up and thanks us. He shakes our hands, hugs us tightly and walks out of the church.
That was the last time I saw Miguel.
Only God knows what happened in Miguel’s heart that day. We can only thank God for using us to love on a broken spirit. It is my hope that Miguel saw love that day, a love that only his Father can provide.
One day last week, our team was hanging out at our host family’s home, spending the later afternoon in conversation amongst each other before church service began at 7pm. Tara and Josh were conversing with some of the local kids in the small gravel yard in front of the house, when a man by the name of Miguel, slowly walked up to them with his head and shoulders slumped over and his feet dragging behind. He wore an old, button-up shirt and dirt stained pants. His skin was blackened by the sun and days of dirt covered his hands and face.
Before Tara and Josh could even get out a “Hello”, he plopped down in the gravel drive that sat at the feet of both of them, with a harsh fall onto his rear and his knees bent to prop up his heavy arms. Like a kid would at story time, the man looked up at them from below....waiting. His sad face proposed the unspoken question – “Can you help me?” His drunken slurs, a cross between Spanish and Ch’ol, put Tara and Josh into a state of helplessness. They looked at eachother – “What do we do?”
The kids around were chuckling at him, pointing and covering their smiles as they looked at Tara and Josh for confirmation that it was ok to laugh. But, it wasn’t – they quickly silenced the children and brought their focus back to Miguel.
At this point, I had just walked outside to see the group huddled around the new spectacle. As Josh begins to communicate to him, Tara turns back at me to say, “This is a great opportunity, come out here!” I could tell they were struggling to understand his Spanish, so I ran inside to grab my Spanish dictionary.
Our only translator, Johnny, was busy preparing the night’s lesson inside. So, the three of us, with the dictionary at our aid, attempted to carry on a conversation - starting with questions to uncover his most dire need at that time. We couldn’t make out a single word. His mouth looked dry, so I brought him water. It was gone in a second; then some more water and a piece of bread. Then more bread. “No mas” he said eventually with his mouth full of bread.
In the back of the dictionary, there is an evangelism outline that explains eternal life through Christ, in English and in Spanish. Without going into much detail, we used it to explain God, the Father, in Spanish. With a couple seconds of contemplation, he looked up at us and began to cry. Miguel explains, “No madre o padre” with more broken Spanish to follow. With tears falling off his chin, he desperately poured out his sorrow that his Mother and Father were gone; that they left him when he was just a child.
How sad this was, to see such a broken man lost in a world without anyone to love or to love him in return. Miguel was the town drunk; the outcast of a small village in the middle of nowhere. His family left him, no one dares to be his friend and he has no place to go, nowhere to call home. His sadness is covered by a constant drunken blur.
We go onto explain that God, “Dios”, is his father. He has a father who loves him. A father who will never leave him, that he is right here with him now... Waiting to be called on by his child. I point up towards the sky – “Dios” then to his heart “Dios te ama.” God loves you - as I look into his eyes and he looks into mine. My heart breaks. I can only pray that he understands.
Update: I am feeling much better. Ive stopped taking the medicine and have not had any signs of sickness or parasites. Thank you all for your prayers, every prayer furthered my body to healing...it was great! There are several others on our squad who are getting sick, please keep the health of our squad in your prayers as well. Thank you!
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The last two days have been tough. I am taking medicine because there is a good chance I have a parasite/worm hanging out in my body. I dont think it is the parasite that is making me sick, but the medicine (its all natural, for parasites). Very sharp pains in my stomach (lasts about 2 minutes and comes as often as every 10 to 20 minutes), as well as frequent trips to the bathroom. I dont have much left in me. But, Ive decided to half, even quarter at times the recommended dosage because it has been way harsh on my body.
Luckily, it is not hindering me from working here, rather giving me more time to be still in Gods presence and know that he is my Healer and Protector. Please pray for quick healing.
Moms - dont worry, I have plenty of support from the team and I believe to be getting better throughout the day. Plus, what better way to get acquainted with the amenities around here? I feel like this has been my World Race initiation. Lets just pray it ends soon.